Carta del Padre Lally

A Message From Father Jack

A topic that receives a lot of attention these days is indebtedness.  The indebtedness of the United States government is beyond comprehension.  We hear of many whose indebtedness is causing grave difficulties for their families. Many have had to declare bankruptcy and seek new housing because they cannot meet their mortgage payments. Other side effects have resulted, not the least of which is a loss of hope.
                In today’s Gospel passage we read about indebtedness, not the financial type but the moral type we call sin.  This is a rarely mentioned word in today’s parlance but haunts us at every turn.
               St. Luke’s version of the Lord’s Prayer asks God to “forgive us our sins” and then adds the bold claim “for we ourselves forgive everyone in debt to us” (Luke 11:4).  Would that we could easily forgive everyone who has offended us! 
                The version of this prayer that we are more accustomed to saying is found in the Gospel according to St. Matthew:  “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” (Matthew 6:12).  Our responsibility to forgive others is highlighted as a condition for our receiving God’s forgiveness.
                Why is it so difficult for us to forgive those who “sin” against us, whether it is a sin in the strict moral sense or just an innocent remark that hurts our feelings?  I suggest that it is basically a misunderstanding of what forgiveness really is.  Let me offer some brief statements followed by further clarifications.

FORGIVENESS -

does NOT deny that an offense has occurred,
does NOT let the offender off the hook,
does NOT excuse away the offensive behavior or offense suffered,
does NOT blame and punish the victim for theoffense,
does NOT imprison the person offended in a permanent posture of
victimhood,
does NOT necessarily involve reconciliation with the perpetrator,
does NOT require that the offender apologize or admit that he or she has offended someone,
does NOT have to take place quickly, and
does NOT consist of a feeling.

                For forgiveness to take place, the one offended must acknowledge that an offense has in fact occurred.  Denial simply drives the hurt deeper and the wound will continue to fester.
               Forgiveness holds the offender accountable and lets the victim off the hook.  Holding onto resentment gives the offender continuing control over the life and emotions of the victim.
                Excusing the offensive behavior of the perpetrator opens the door for the victim to consider him/herself as the offender and go on frequent guilt trips.  (Get rid of that passport!)  Living in a permanent state of victimhood only results in deep sentiments of self-pity and can cause anger to be turned in on oneself.

 In addition, the resulting loss of hope to attain freedom can easily result in destructive behavior toward oneself and others.   
               While an apology by the perpetrator and reconciliation between victim and perpetrator might be nice, it is not necessary for true forgiveness to take place.  Forgiveness is an act exclusively by the one offended that results in freedom from the perpetrator’s control and that enables the one offended to live with greater hope and even joy.  Remember that joy is one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.  In addition, it is not necessary for the perpetrator to know that forgiveness has been extended.
                Sometimes one tries to forgive immediately in order to avoid going through the necessary and often painful steps to reach true forgiveness.  When the injury is severe it might take years.
                When one is offended he/she experiences a number of losses: loss of self-respect, loss of self-esteem, loss of a sense of one’s dignity as a person, and a loss of the ability to trust others in order to develop healthy interpersonal relationships.  As in the case of every loss, a process of grieving must occur in order that healing take place.  It will be helpful to consider the five stages involved in the grieving process as noted by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book “On Death and Dying:”  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

                Finally, we must realize that forgiveness is not a feeling.  Rather, it is an act of the will, a choice that gives one inner freedom from living as a victim bound to the past and a choice that gives one the inner freedom to live for the future with hope.  A person can be certain that he/she has forgiven someone when he/she has a benevolent disposition toward the offender, e.g. praying for the offender.  Sometimes this does involve accompanying positive feelings but, while nice if they occur, they are not necessary.  Furthermore, even when true forgiveness does take place, negative feelings may arise from time to time.  In such cases, one should treat them simply as temptations to wallow in self-pity.
                This treatment is necessarily very brief and might even be considered an oversimplification of what can be a long and arduous process.  But there is always hope.  Realize that you do not walk alone along the path from being offended to forgiving.  Jesus is always with you every step of the way.
                Prayerfully reflecting on God’s forgiveness of us is a major help to our becoming disposed to forgive others.  We need His grace and it is always available to us:  “ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you” (Luke 11:9).  And contemplating Jesus’ act of divine power on the cross will also empower us to take the steps necessary to reflect in our own lives His prayer: 
“Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).

Father Jack Hunthausen, S.J.